Phoenix

The discipline of ballet mirrors the discipline of being successful at anything: you have to eat, drink, and breathe what you want; spend every waking minute thinking about it, and spend every sleeping minute dreaming about it.  So many people out there want success, but don’t understand what kind of work it actually entails.  What they truly learn when they try to pursue something is how much they actually want it, and how lazy they really are, unless they are simple enough to settle for good enough.  

This beautiful soul drove herself into an emergency room because of her want and need to succeed at what she chose, regardless of what anyone told her to sway her from her goal.  That was her drive before she succumbed to the reality of it all, and that is her drive now on a different level, slightly adjusted, to…you know…survive.  As a creative with similar obsessions and dysfunctions, the more others would tell me I was doing it wrong, the more I would flip them off and delve deeper into what I wanted, because I knew what I was doing.  I will always see a kind of honor in that, and I will always respect that kind of discipline, even if it isn’t what everyone thinks it should be, and even if it’s completely unhealthy and dangerous.  I understand, and while there are aspects of the obsession that shouldn’t be glorified, like American media celebrates mass murderers, there is a certain line that must be crossed, or you will never know what you are capable of, or what you can truly accomplish.  I have crossed that line many times, and am lucky to be alive and not in prison.  She is lucky to be alive.  

 The difference between those who die for their obsession, whether it be art, or religion, or justice, et cetera, is the basic need, an instinctual human desire and understanding, that while you may have accomplished something amazing on this run, you could accomplish things so much greater with even more time.  Hunter off’d himself because he couldn’t take the bullshit anymore, but not a day goes by that I don’t wonder what he would have to say about our current state of affairs.  Cobain off’d himself because he didn’t like what gear in the machine he’d become, but what could he have accomplished if he just removed himself from the machine, took some time off, and approached it again with a different perspective?  Beethoven poisoned himself to death trying to fix his hearing problem, but what if he would’ve embraced that he was just fucking deaf and kept writing?  What profoundly beautiful things has the world missed out on because people were so stuck in their obsessions that they didn’t see any rational way out?  

 I could go on with the notable historical characters, but I think I’ve made my point, and while there is a creative argument that those who succumb to madness and dysfunction leave a greater mark because of the severity of their obsessions, there is also a very practical argument that success in creativity doesn’t have to be such an extreme case of madness and obsession.  Greatness, however, will always be greater than this, and obtaining greatness will always require a better you, regardless of where you are and what you’ve accomplished, and when you get bit by that greatness bug, it completely takes over your life and mind, which is impossible to get anyone who hasn’t been bitten by the obsession to understand.  

The world basically just thinks there’s something wrong with you, but to those precious few who have the drive, the wrong things with you are actually the necessary right things with you.  Who you are is only the result of the character arc that you survived.  If you want to reduce your potential to the character arc that killed you, then you are free to do that, but your infinite potential will always be reduced to that specific moment that you stopped accomplishing something.  

 So… breathe on… fight on… bask in the glory of life… fly, enflamed, from the ashes of what could have been all you did, and soar into the world of what you never knew you could accomplish.  Take a little time to set the drive aside and appreciate the absolute beauty that is this life and your existence in it, but never stop pushing your wings into the wind; never stop feeding the fire you’ve become.  It will always be worth it to keep going until you absolutely can’t go anymore.  

None of us make it out of here alive, but let the universe decide when your time has come, and accomplish as much as you can on your way, but, above all things, be true to yourself; be who you know you are, completely, and don’t settle for anyone or anything in your life that makes you feel like you should be less or more.  Then, and only then, will this world be a more beautiful place to live in.