Friday, December 14, 2018

...Waaay Out In the Water, See It Swimming

Most of my work from this last year is sitting in a hard drive, unreviewed.  This time of year is always difficult to get through, partially because the holidays make me want to firmly place an ice pick in my brain, but mainly because I am forced to go back through another lost year and review what I accomplished, and, while we (not the royal) did accomplish a lot this year, I spent most of it wondering what the fuck I was doing, and flailing about like an angry child.  Now that I've really understood that I've spent my entire life apologizing for existing, I'm beginning to understand that the wall I hit earlier this year was less about where I'm going, and more about who I am.  I've always felt like an impostor.  Everything I was always praised for were simple things for me, and I knew that I could really be amazing at things if I tried harder, but I never reached that point, always seemingly waiting for the right time or opportunity.  Now I'm just an old face that used to be good at things, like the trailer-trash, 40-something cousin who still tells stories about being the quarterback in high school.

...Your head will collapse if there's nothing in it.
And you'll ask yourself...

....... why am I hugging a tumbleweed?

Wednesday, December 12, 2018

The Pros and Cons of Being

 We met some great people on this last adventure, and I'm glad we met them; I hope we remain friends; but I felt so incredibly out of place, and walked away feeling ashamed of myself for how I see the world.  Clearly, what I have to say and how I feel doesn't matter, in that it isn't changing anything.  I've been repeating myself long enough to finally be convinced that there is something wrong with me.  Call it what you want; dig up some elusive psychological dysfunction; I must simply be a little bit retarded, and I have to come to terms with that at some point.

 I recently started a new project with one brave soul, and was completely excited about it until I really watched the footage.  What was supposed to be a project about a "normal" person's experience with the vulnerability of being naked, turned into me going on a on about me, and what I'm doing.  I've been doing this for twenty-five years, and I'm still defending myself; I'm still trying to convince people that I'm not doing what they assume I'm doing... which was what I did for over a decade of said time by complete accident... and I have come to terms with the fact that no one will ever understand that I ignorantly didn't know any better.
I'm forty-one years old, doing what I love (time and finances permitting), and investing most of my time and energy into making excuses for something that I have been obsessed with since I was a child; I've spent most my life making excuses for existing... and like five people get it..... so what the fuck am I doing?  I really never felt like I was good enough.  I always put unrealistic expectation on myself that I could never live up to; not this guy in this world.  More importantly, I have always demanded that people understand things that I clearly don't.  How do I expect anyone to just be, with someone who spends so much time apologizing for being?  At some point I imagine I will have to stop apologizing for being me, but this has been a depressing couple weeks for this stupid guy in this stupid world.  Everyone is free to not understand what I'm talking about, including me, and I am also free to keep going.  I still don't want to conform to your spoon fed ideal, but I'm tired of feeling doomed to fail, while worrying about paying bills.  I've been approaching a cross-road for the better part of this year, staring blankly in the mirror, obsessively checking on likes and followers like a child searching for approval from his parents.

Saturday, December 1, 2018

Spinning Plates

 Somewhere between a combat ceremony and Rohatsu Sesshin...

I am flailing at finding a balance between being a bad father, a husband that can do better, a horrible friend, an adequate brewer, and a mediocre creative.

This place... *blank twitch*

Breathe *chokes on coffee*