Thursday, May 10, 2018


 The decisive moment for me was a decade ago, when I was finally able to step back from what was happening and look at who I'd become.  It feels like a lifetime ago.  By all practical means, it was, because it was a different life, with a different focus, achieving different goals, striving for different accomplishments, using a different brain; a different person.  This was a different timeline to me.  This was a character that I was living, in a book that I never wrote.  This was a creative genius living in absolute turmoil, that no one ever knew existed.

 Through a moment of surreal clarity, I saw who I was, and I was so ashamed that I had to change to keep from killing myself.  My only saving grace at that point was that I understood my nature, if only because I had been fighting it my entire life.  I fought pretty hard to become a character that I idealized for some reason...well, I know the reason, the celebrated creative archetype, but that has been thoroughly documented throughout various moments of enlightenment and is no longer relevant.
 What is relevant is how difficult it is to live in a world where people around you are incapable of seeing the world you live in, or, more likely, don't care enough to look past the world that they're stuck in, for obvious, actual inherently human reasons.  Regardless of who I really was, or the character that I was playing, in so many aspects of my life I have become a canvass for others to project their own problems and fears, and experience-based assumption on.  I am simply me, doing what I'm doing.  There is no wrong doing here.  Your complaints are you, embodied completely in your opinion.
 I am finally beginning to realize that it really doesn't matter who you are, or what you've become, because you only exist through the perception of others.  Who you actually are only matters to you, for your own well being, if you happen to be blessed with the ethical and moral structure to care about sleeping peacefully at night, knowing you are no longer doing anything wrong.  Other's perception only ruins a beautiful reality; but without other's perception, who are you?
 Forcing perception to fit into ignorant social ideals and expectations destroys any potential for a beautiful reality, and eliminates any opportunity for growth; blind optimism and consensual repression are only ideal because someone told you they were, but they create permanent dissonance with nature.  Our difference of opinion is the difference between the spirituality and connection that every ancient philosopher refers to, and the perpetual dissonance that the patriarchal religions instituted to make money off of how stupid people are.
 (emotionally prepare yourself, because I'm going to start a sentence with...) But, reality only exists because we perceive it, and how we perceive it doesn't determine how we exist in it, because our existence is only in how we are perceived by the timeline of souls with which we have no control.  Existence is relationship.  If you relate to someone, and they exist to you through your perception, that relationship will always be reduced to how capable you are to perceive their reality, and you can never force anyone to perceive you the way you want, but only by how able they are to understand your reality.
You do not exist, nor do any of your actions, if no one chooses to perceive reality as you present it.

It is all negated.
Nothing exists.
Only what you think of it exists.
Only how you define it exists.
But you don't exist if I choose to not perceive you the way you want.


Life is a rough night, fighting things that only exist in your delusion.

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