The decisive moment for me was a decade ago, when I was finally able to step back from what was happening and look at who I'd become. It feels like a lifetime ago. By all practical means, it was, because it was a different life, with a different focus, achieving different goals, striving for different accomplishments, using a different brain; a different person. This was a different timeline to me. This was a character that I was living, in a book that I never wrote. This was a creative genius living in absolute turmoil, that no one ever knew existed.
Through a moment of surreal clarity, I saw who I was, and I was so ashamed that I had to change to keep from killing myself. My only saving grace at that point was that I understood my nature, if only because I had been fighting it my entire life. I fought pretty hard to become a character that I idealized for some reason...well, I know the reason, the celebrated creative archetype, but that has been thoroughly documented throughout various moments of enlightenment and is no longer relevant.
It is all negated.
Only what you think of it exists.
Only how you define it exists.
But you don't exist if I choose to not perceive you the way you want.
Life is a rough night, fighting things that only exist in your delusion.