11/11/2018(11)

 Going on four years since that fateful message asking me if I would be interested in shooting her because she had some "self" to figure out and love, having no idea that I grow on people like a fungus, we have found ourselves with a family, living a life together, and, surprisingly, she isn't as sick of looking at my dopey old face as I am.  I have referred to her as my wife for years, because we're doing this, so most assumed that it was so, but it wasn't, and now it is... or is it?

Either way, I am strangely happy.

 We wanted to have a simple little ceremony at Yokoji, with just Tenshin Roshi and the kids, but that gradually evolved into close family that made the journey, which was exactly what it was supposed to be.  I've been into my history with this place, but while I was at home reading about Zen, she was actually going there.  I doubt that I would have ever checked this beautiful place out without her to hide behind, and quickly felt like part of the family, until I had to wander back off into the world to carry water and chop wood for my own family.

We all got sick the week before the wedding, and I was naturally the last to feel it, so by the time family started to show up from out of town, I was curled up in the corner.  We managed to level off before the ceremony, and everything went beautifully.  It was wonderful to meet family that I have heard so much about, but a definite highlight was that my first born daughter, who has been noticeably absent in recent years, made it up, which really made me feel this second chance that I am blessed with.

 I have written about that often, but I am finally really starting to feel it.  My first two marriages were complete opposites, and both maliciously destroyed by me, but I needed them to become who I am.  What really weighed heavy on my heart these last twenty years was the kids I left behind with the first marriage.  While they have been thoroughly taken care of, I wasn't there, other than to pop in and take them to a movie every now and then, par to their mother's wishes.  Then when I was banished to the desert it was reduced to holidays, and the birthday/Father's Day calls stopped.  Since I have settled in to this beautiful new family, we have tried to bring my older kids back into our lives, but haven't been successful.  I still have no way to contact my daughter, and my son is nowhere to be found.  In the mean time, we have so much to be grateful for, and still have a lot of each other to figure out.  My first two marriages were fizzling out by three years, but we didn't start in the chemically induced blindness of standard societal relationships; we fought to build this family, and will keep fighting, whether a piece of paper says we are or not.

This is still sinking in for me, and we are both recovering from the weekend.  We had our reception at my work, where I brewed a bride ale with manzanita berries that turned out to be a pretty good beer, that the "religious" family didn't drink.  Though, despite their religious differences, they all enjoyed the ceremony, except for my mom, who used our fidgety youngest to leave the Buddha Hall and narrowly escape bursting into flames.  I will have much more to say about this, but as for now, we are just tired, and the world is up one Ellirand(Borntrager)..... and my head is cold.