I've been sitting on these photos for days, not really quite sure what to write about. I have found myself writing differently on this blog. Things have been less heart, and more mechanical regurgitation of events. My blog was always a place where I could pour my bleeding heart out, which is why no one ever read it. Here, on an "official" website, it is much harder to really write how I feel because of the demand of "professional" demeanor. Fuck that. I still am who I am, whether you like it or not.
I mentioned in a previous post that my girl has shown a sudden interest in modeling. I am still not sure how I feel about that. I have been very open about the fact that every single relationship I ever pursued, or allowed to happen, was based on the girl's willingness to be shot. This girl was supposed to be different because she appreciated what I did, but wasn't completely interested in being a part of it, other than the support that should exist in any healthy relationship. Now she is showing interest in it, but it is different, in that she wants to do it independently from me. The past girls have been fine with me shooting them, but no one else unless I was there, and there was one who, after much persuading to do so, finally went out to work with other photographers. This one has been very vocal about not wanting to be attached to me professionally.
She wants to do it on her own, which is part of her stubborn nature. In the mean time, she doesn't have an extensive portfolio, and I'm me, and I know who I know, so I still serve a purpose... professionally. Aside from the work itself, I have been giving her pointers on social media, which is an entirely different entity for an attractive girl who's interested in modeling, than it is for a male photographer who shoots nudes. She is overwhelmed by her online response, while I am left somewhat depressed about the reality of it all. This is about her, though, isn't it? It's not about "us" or what I'm trying to accomplish....... the reality of it all.
So, back to the original topic that I've been sitting on: since her sudden interest in all of this, we spend our days off shooting. She is constantly wanting to shoot, and regularly suggests shoots that are great ideas, but rarely work, simply because of the technical limitations of everything.
Days off: for us that has meant Wednesday. Thanks to the forced holiday that has always left me disappointed, in which the theme is to give thanks, we both had a Thursday off. The child was in Alabama with her dad for the week, so we headed out to Joshua Tree proper and explored the desert all day. Indian Cove was the first destination, one which I had been wanting to scout for a while. That really describes most of Joshua Tree Park. There is simply too much ground to cover. This spot is on the northern outskirts, and was full of climbers. We avoided them. This was our first "official" shoot, where she was actually interested in accomplishing something. She was a lot better at it than she thought she was. She is great at exploring her space, and getting better at internalizing emotion, and she started getting some more confidence looking at the shots in camera. I should also mention that it was "Southern California Cold (50)," so we had to stay in the sun and pause for gusts of wind. After that we headed north toward Landers to shoot a random huge stack of rocks that I've been wanting to check out. The rocks were covered in broken glass and (mostly shitty) graffiti, plus the storm was close enough to unbearably chill everything, but on the way we discovered a golden toilet on top of another stack of rocks, so that was worth it in and of itself. We hit whatever place we could find open on the way home and had our first Thanksgiving dinner together. Every day is a beautiful day to be thankful for.
I should probably add that the first photo in this set was on a freeway onramp where I had stopped to have a cigarette. She got out of the car and handed me my camera. She's that interested.
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