Monday, December 26, 2016

Resolve

 It is approaching that time of year again: the big reset.  This is where most decide to lose weight, or study harder, or complain less, or quit or start various, life-destroying things, most of which things last about a week.  I'm going to drink more beer, or better beer, but I've already been doing that, so I guess I'm doing nothing this year.
 In thinking about everything in my life and reviewing my year, I realized today that I've basically been set on auto pilot for the last year and a half: I go to work everyday, and go accomplish something with my day off.  The something I accomplish is creative, and I get pretty pissy when it doesn't work out, but what am I really accomplishing?...like..... you know........... I don't have a plan; I don't have a vision; I just capture what people give me, but people don't really give me anything anymore, and I am usually in a bad mood because they don't.
 When I was put in this situation where I was shooting something with souls who were willing and able to model, with obvious, silly limitations, to accomplish a specific goal for someone else, I found myself staring blankly into the infinite abyss of the universe.  So, what do I expect?

I don't know.

Interest without conditions and fears?

I just want to accomplish something beautiful.
 I keep saying that.

Over and over.

Years.

What do I mean?

What am I accomplishing?

I should be writing a fucking book right now, in these brief little moments I get with my computer, instead of vomiting out this drivel about things that don't exist anymore.
 Today we headed off the hill to have dinner with some of my old, beautiful friends.  In the midst of that I apparently got repeated calls from work asking me to come in and help because they were getting slammed.  I had asked if they would need my help today, and was prepared to be around, but committed to this little journey because I was assured that it would be fine.

That made me angry, because I wanted to be there, but I couldn't be there.  I'm sure all of them just hate me for not being there.  I am also sure that they survived, because that's how it works.
 New Year's resolutions, though.

Breathe.

My website is severely dated.  My Redbubble is empty.  None of my various online accounts are updated, aside from my blogs, which leave much to be desired.  I seriously just need to unplug from life and take care of my mind shit... the mind shit that people appreciate but don't really appreciate.  We have a week off from toddler (not a toddler anymore), but we still have a three month old... these brief little moments.
I had mentioned that this shoot allowed me to meet the girl that my girl had a history with, which was mostly intoxicated debacles from what I've been told, but I'm beginning to realize that there was a bit more emotion involved than your typical high school bullshit, which makes me tilt my head a bit, because when it comes to me shooting the girls I've been shooting for years the black tape comes out.


I have a lot going on in my head right now that I can't write about.

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