Anyone who says that relationships are difficult, are basically admitting that they aren’t willing to take the time and energy to understand and appreciate the complexities. When you commit to an individual human soul, who is free to do whatever they want, you obviously have to give up a part of yourself as a burning sacrifice to Hera, but the only way to remain happy in a relationship is to also be an individual human soul who is free to do whatever you want, while giving up enough of the selfishness to make someone else your priority, because that should be the only thing you truly want. Therein lies the rub, in the words of the great whiny prince.
Societal and religious expectation on relationships has given us stringent rules and regulations to follow, and clearly marked borders that cannot be crossed without severe emotional punishment, and in some of the darker areas of the world, physical punishment, even death. This box that most relationships are having a difficult time flailing around in is based around one thing: possession, which is what modern marriage is: a certificate of ownership written up by the lawyers of patriarchy. This possession is cleverly disguised as love by those in the system, but Love, as has been written about since this featherless biped figured out a way to communicate by wording, is not in any way possessive.
Love just loves. There should be only one rule and guideline: just love. This true and genuine love exists outside the box, and has only one grey area, which should already be at the core of every individual’s ethical structure: Primum non nocere, first, do no harm. If you can just love someone, and your every action is based around doing no harm, then you have the formula for a long and happy relationship. Relationships are NOT difficult; it is we who are difficult; our insecurities, our fears, our issues, our traumas, our perceptions, our interpretations, our expectations, our laundry lists of self that we try to cram into relationships instead of confronting, is what makes things seem difficult.
This particular featherless biped that found me is absolute chaos; she is a sailless ship, tossing and turning in the tumultuous seas of existence; but I happen to be a fucking light house. We compliment each other so beautifully that we really don’t have any other option but to span time together. So, here’s to the most beautiful creature on the planet, my favorite place, my greatest Muse, and all round giant energy ball of heart and compassion. A year ago we made an official commitment to each other, but I feel like we were committed to figuring out how to make this work the moment we first went out to shoot five years ago, when she had no idea what she was doing, and I had no idea what to do with her energy, but we both just looked at each other, saw each other, and kind of blindsidedly said, “…..oh.”
Mark the winds, and Mark the skies,
Ocean's ebb, and ocean's flow,
Sun and moon but set to rise,
Round and round the seasons go.
Why then ask of silly Man
To oppose great Nature's plan?
We'll be constant while we can--
You can be no more, you know.
Happy one official year of the ebb and flow, Love, ad infinitum.
I need life to be a love letter. I need life to be a beautiful melody that follows you around. I need life to be an embrace that makes you feel safe, and a glance that warms your heart. I need life to be a work of art that you can’t help but stare at and you’re not really sure why, as if the art is taking you in, celebrating how beautiful you are. I need to feel the wonder of it all, and float naked in the placid lakes of this amazing human experience. I need to see and feel more that I am driven by a higher source to capture, because everyone needs to celebrate this.
I need to be surrounded by people who deeply glow for each other, and the inseparable self. I need to be more beautiful for the ones who love me, and especially for the ones who have to deal with me, so that those who must deal can learn to love.
Most of all, I need to live in a world full of human beings capable of seeing past what they are conditioned to believe, exist beyond all the stupid shit that we are told is important, and embrace the beautiful reality that only we can create. I need to stop reading Henry Miller. My feet are tangled and tripping over themselves feeling for the next steps to take after your muse tells you that you need a muse. I fear there is not enough beauty in the wide world, but I want the world to be that beauty. I have been shooting into the sun a lot lately. I suppose that’s where I’m at, optically choking on the relentlessly blinding flair of the shattered fragments of flailing souls.
“It is to you that I am singing. I wish that I could sing better, more melodiously, but then perhaps you would have never consented to listen to me. You have heard the others sing and they have left you cold. They sang too beautifully, or not beautifully enough.”
idiedatbirth is a philosophy in which one recognizes that each human soul is born beautiful and with infinite potential, and from the moment of each soul’s first breath in this temporal vehicle, their potential and beauty are systematically destroyed by society, religion, institutions, and, primarily, their parents. We, precious few, will stop at nothing to achieve the potential that no one told us we have, and reclaim our beauty, not in your world… in our world.
idiedatbirth is maliciously one word to defy structure: while I value proper use of language, it is something that someone else created, and it is expected of you to learn it, regardless how absurd or complicated it is; I’m not saying don’t master your language, for it is your responsibility as an intelligent being to do so, nor am I suggesting you create your own language or dialect, as that is generally just translated into you being stupid; I am simply stating that language, writing, and speech are part of the structure that you are forced to live in.
idiedatbirth is maliciously lowercase to defy ownership, though it is futile. If you have a birth certificate or social security number you are owned by the government in which you happen to be born, and are viewed by them as a monetary asset and expendable. Lower case also defies any institution that would claim you as property, such as religion or schools, which give you a series of rules to live by and hoops to jump through, veiled in the freedom of choice, but rarely in the freedom of thought or the freedom to question.
I choose to shoot nudes to defy societal expectation, in which we are sold the human body as something sexual and enticing, then are punished for wanting it. I refuse to view or capture the human body as something sexual and enticing, but present it as something natural and common to every single human soul that ever existed in infinite time and space. I also recognize that we are conditioned to use things like clothes, hair, and make-up to hide who we really are, in a sad attempt to be someone that we think society wants or finds attractive. Shedding the social armor demands a more genuine soul. I love human beings; I hate who they pretend to be because society demands it. Defy the stupid shit that society forces down your throat, and demand the extraordinary that is your birth-right.
We defy civilization, which is uncivil in its conditioning, and get back to nature, in an attempt to connect again with our roots, OUR true nature. We recognize that, in that botanical metaphor, we are still in the growth phase of existence on this plane, and are yet to even break the surface of our potential, understand what kind of plant we are, or even fathom in what place we exist. In this space, we understand that all of our problems and miseries are man made, and we choose to not suffer them.
*The philosophes were the intellectuals of the 18th-century Enlightenment. Few were primarily philosophers; rather, philosophes were public intellectuals who applied reason to the study of many areas of learning, including philosophy, history, science, politics, economics, and social issues. ... The philosophes used reason to attack superstition, bigotry, and religious fanaticism, which they considered the chief obstacles to free thought and social reform. ... The philosophes believed that the spread of knowledge would encourage reform in every aspect of life."
Lately I've been reading a lot about sexual psychology, not just to deepen my understanding of this animal, but to figure more of my shit out. It was honestly a class I always wanted to take in college, but it was always full... strangely enough. One of those things that we are instinctually obsessed with, but are, by society's demand, unhealthily repressing to the point of disfunction. I happened to find Emily Nagoski'sCome As You Are, which I quickly discovered was a book that should be given to every twelve year old.
Nothing I am doing here is remotely sexual, so there is no need to mention any of that bit until my girls are old enough to need this wealth of information, but the psychology aspect alone was incredibly informative in regard to dealing with stress, emotion, and trauma. The only reason I'm even mentioning the book is because I got a quote near the end that surprisingly lines up beautifully with what I've been trying to get people to understand. Maybe just glaze over the sexual bit.
"The day you were born, the world had a choice about what to teach you about your body. It could have taught you to live with confidence and joy inside your body. It could have taught you that your body and your sexuality are beautiful gifts. But instead, the world taught you to feel critical of and dissatisfied with your sexuality and your body.
You were taught to value and expect something from your sexuality that does not match what your sexuality actually is. You were told a story about what would happen in your sexual life, and that story was false. You were lied to. I am pissed, on your behalf, at the world for that lie. And I’m working to create a world that doesn’t lie to women about their bodies anymore.
I can’t change the injury that the world inflicted upon you, and neither can you.
What you can do is heal.
….. You are normal. Beautiful. And as long as you’re not experiencing pain, you’re healthy. So when you notice yourself feeling dissatisfied with your sexuality, when you notice shame or frustration or grief, allow yourself to direct those feelings away from yourself and instead focus the emotions toward the culture that told you the wrong story. Rage not against yourself but against the culture that lied to you. Grieve not for your discrepancy from a fictitious 'ideal' that is at best arbitrary and at worst an act of oppression and violence; grieve for the compassionate world you were born deserving… and did not get."
This naturally got me thinking about where the root of all of this is. It is easy to blame Emily's M's (moral, medical, and media), but the true blame lies in ourselves in relation to all of our problems being "man" made, which is gleaming with a double meaning here. It is the things that we spend a lifetime trying to change or hide that make us unique. Those things are judged as good or bad, beautiful or ugly, by a society that makes money off our self hatred, not to mention keeping us all distracted by stupid shit and under their control.
Society itself is not to blame; we are to blame; because society doesn’t have the power to judge us. It is we who judge ourselves based on society’s suggestion. If you can roll your eyes or become annoyed when someone knocks on your door trying to save your perfectly-fine-soul, then you can roll your eyes, become annoyed, and even angry, when society tells you that you weren’t born beautiful. The uniquities that force us to banish ourselves from society’s aesthetic ideal, a hamster wheel all its own, are the very things that make us beautiful. We all have the same parts arranged in different ways (thank you, Emily). Those parts are exactly where they’re supposed to be.
If they weren’t supposed to be like that, we wouldn’t have been born like that, and any anomaly that resulted by life after birth should be worn with the pride of a survivor. We weren’t born with empty slots and bays for upgraded hardware. Rearranging your parts to fit into society’s ideal does NOT make you more beautiful, it makes you a successful victim of society's bullshit, and this includes make-up and fashion. Dress up because it’s fun to play different characters, not because it makes you better; it doesn’t, and thinking it does makes you silly. Everyone’s true beauty already exists within them, and that beauty can only be found by loving yourself, exactly as you are, because you are who you're supposed to be already. Don't give anyone the power to tell you any differently, because they're wrong.
All of those voices echoing around your head are destructive lies, and only you have the power to silence them. Fight for your nature. Fight for the beauty that has always been there, underneath the layers of society's illegible graffiti. Stop flailing around in the misinformation that you were force fed before you could rationally defend yourself. You can defend yourself and your beauty now, so start doing it. Rip your power out of the grasp of those who don't deserve it, and define your own reality, one where you are exactly who you are supposed to be, and if anyone doesn't like that, they can respectfully fuck off.
One thing that really resonated with me today was the understanding that all we need as a species on this planet is food, water, and sleep. Community and love make us feel better and safe, but they often cause more problems than not, and most use them as bandaids to avoid just being here, in this life, experiencing this moment, right now.
Instead of genuinely having this experience, we throw away that potential happiness by wasting our time here wanting, and striving, and planning, and acquiring, and becoming. What we all learn at the end of that wasted time and energy was that you already had everything you needed, but our minds were focused past that because we were told that we needed more things, and different things; better things. Food. Water. Sleep. Everything else is stupid shit. Love because you understand the wholeness that is felt in that energy, the purpose of a compassionate animal; everything else is a bandaid on a self inflicted wound.
“Self” inflicted because you are blessed with free will, you have the choice of an individual human soul who is free to do whatever you want. You don’t have to listen. You don’t have to believe. You don’t have to feel all those negative things. You can be and feel whatever you want, in realizing that there isn’t anything you need to be or feel.
No one can make you be or feel anything unless you give them that power. Keep that powerful energy so that you can truly appreciate this amazing experience. Fight for your nature. You were born beautiful. The always included aspect of your infinite potential is realized immediately when you let go of what you were told, let go of what you believe, let go of how you feel, and understand that your potential is already attained. Existence is relationship; change your perspective, and change your existence.
"We find ourselves today in a tragically body-beautiful society, and women in particular find an obsessive pressure placed on them to conform to its stringent demands. Again this leads us to an objective and external view of ourselves, and we lose connection to our inner world, our subjectivity, the source of our beauty. True radiant beauty has little to do with physical features. It is a quality that shimmers from within. When a woman is fulfilled in love she is extremely beautiful, even luminous, with love. It shines through the physical form. The inspiring curves of feminine grace are to be found in every woman’s body. Awareness and a loving attitude to one’s own body plant the roots of real beauty, elegance, and dignity. Yet most of us judge or compare rather than love our bodies. Forget about the norm, and start to love your body from within while appreciating the shapes and forms of others. Acceptance and relaxation have a profound effect on the body energy, which creates unique feminine beauty." ~ Diana Richardson
“If what you’re going to do is wrong, do it well.”… obviously a bit negative, but if you don’t include everything you may as well not apply it to anything… or the more passive Zen approach, "If you walk, just walk. If you sit, just sit. But whatever you do, don't wobble.”
When I was a teenager I discovered something about the instruments I was playing, acting, and creativity in general, which involved what Alan Watts uses on multiple platforms, but I had no concept of yet: leaping into action. This isn’t something that my music or theatre teachers ever taught me. When you watch “beginners” do anything, the something that is missing is the anticipation and consideration, the thinking.
If you are being tentative to avoid fucking up, or over analyzing the score or scene in anticipation of what’s next, so you’re “prepared”, there is a split second of lag in the moment that loses the connection with your audience, whether they be a live audience or a tape recorder. Yes, people out there still use tapes. They have beards, listen to records, and drink mocha-frappe-latte-ccinos and IPAs.
Alan obviously uses a Chinese term, mu chih ch’u, so as to culture the rest of us, but it’s relation to being used in the practice of a samurai applies to everything all the more beautifully.
"The fighter is to be always single-minded with one object in view: to fight, looking neither backward nor sidewise. To go straight forward in order to crush the enemy is all that is necessary for him.” ~ Daisetz Suzuki.
One of the best things I was taught studying photography was that once I learned how to do everything correctly, to let all that stuff go, don’t think about it, and just do it, attack it, or you’ll miss it, and if you miss that moment you’ll never get it back. I’m sure most of you saw Aronofsky’s Black Swan, and likely enjoyed it, as did I, but for different reasons. What I took away from that film was the scene in which she was rehearsing and the director was yelling “attack it” at her.
That’s it. It applies to every little thing if you want to succeed at it. I honestly only saw that film once in theatres and didn’t need to see it again, so I’m not really sure if that scene exists. Maybe I just imagined it, but for this purpose it exists. Learn it. Learn every little thing about it. Memorize it in your mind and muscles, and when you know it, forget it, because if you have to think about it you’re going to fuck it up, especially if you’re thinking about potentially fucking it up.
Once you get there and you do happen to fuck up, you will do it with such heart and passion that the audience will find it endearing. People don’t want to see a mechanical perfect show; they want to feel the heart and passion of whatever you’re doing. That’s what brings people to their feet, and that’s what sticks with people throughout their lives. Maybe don’t be a samurai, though, cause then they’d just be dead.
I started reading again. It has had a profound effect on my attitude and creativity. What I am reading about is, as per usual, an aspect of eastern thought and philosophy, Tantra, which, as I mentioned in the last post, is simply mental science.
I wanted to write a post immediately after the last post because I was finally able to see the negative affirmations I was giving myself, disguised as humor, but just decided to add that little post script and sit with it for a while. I have since finished that book and started another one, and my thinking has changed dramatically. While I am still a little unclear as to what direction I want to go with all this, I need to start doing all of it the best I can until that becomes clear. I also need to ramble less in these post and have more of something solid to say. I'm evolving. I found a beautiful quote today that I wanted to tie in here, but that's a whole other post, as is how I figured out how lAvaNyamaya means consisting entirely of beauty AND the illusion of beauty.
