Invierno Numero Uno

 "The true horror of existence is not the fear of death, but the fear of life. It is the fear of waking up each day to face the same struggles, the same disappointments, the same pain. It is the fear that nothing will ever change, that you are trapped in a cycle of suffering that you cannot escape. And in that fear, there is a desperation, a longing for something, anything, to break the monotony, to bring meaning to the endless repetition of days."

- Albert Camus, The Fall

I think we can officially say that we have survived our first Omaha winter, and it really wasn't that bad, though just about everyone agrees that the winters here have not been as intense as they once were. The worst of this winter was bearable, even with a job that had me on the streets. There was an ice storm in December that was pretty shady, but for the most part, it was so cold when it snowed that it was like piled dust that you could clear away with a leaf blower.  We did accidentally miss this last storm, though, because we happened to be on an exotic spring-break vacation in Kansas City. We continue living the dream.

The Love That Will Not Die

"On the journey of the warrior-bodhisattva, the path goes down, not up, as if the mountain pointed toward the earth instead of the sky. Instead of transcending the suffering of all creatures, we move toward turbulence and doubt however we can. We explore the reality and unpredictability of insecurity and pain, and we try not to push it away. If it takes years, if it takes lifetimes, we let it be as it is. At our own pace, without speed or aggression, we move down and down and down. 

With us move millions of others, our companions in awakening from fear. At the bottom we discover water, the healing water of bodhichitta. Bodhichitta is our heart- our wounded, softened heart. Right down there in the thick of things, we discover the love that will not die. This love is bodhichitta. It is gentle and warm; it is clear and sharp; it is open and spacious. The awakened heart of bodhichitta is the basic goodness of all beings." ~ Pema Chödrön

The recent video we did about how we met got me thinking about the book that I happened to have with me when we found ourselves in Wonder Valley, Comfortable With Uncertainty. I decided it might be time to revisit this beautiful little book of 108 easily digestible meditations, which isn't even on the list of notable books published by Pema on Gampo Abbey's website. I should probably expand my Pema library, but this is the work that found me in that moment, for reasons and from places that I can’t possibly remember, during a time in my life when I was going through beautiful books like toilet paper.

I needed the books, and I needed to translate everything on that blog every day to process all that information. That is something that has slowly disappeared from my life, and I miss it, but I also don’t. I am ready for the next movement of my life to find me and flow, but I still have no idea what that looks like; I am still sitting in how everything is supposed to be and waiting for that synaptic explosion of our collective evolution into everything and nothing.

That makes sense, right? *upside-down smiley face*

I should probably mention that while I am dabbling with Pema’s little rays of sunshine, I am also still trying to process Dispenza’s Becoming Supernatural, so the one who is watching me have this human experience is wondering why the human me experiencing this is watching the one and all who is watching wonder why the human me is reading Pema again while struggling to be the human me watching the witness witnessing this.

……….. I know.

Just….. bear with me for a little bit.